Scars
by Decadebaby
Summary: A quick one-shot of pure Pepperony. After IM3.


The scar on her wrist was such a small thing. After everything they'd been through, it should have been the least important thing on his list. It wasn't something that should have occupied so much of his thoughts, and yet he found he was consumed with it. Every time it caught his eye, he remembered all the ways he had failed her. The first time he'd noticed it had been at a meeting. He couldn't remember which meeting or why he'd been present. He generally let her manage all of those, but he was certain of one thing. It was after; after Christmas, after the nightmares.

It was after he'd watched her die.

Pepper was taking notes and, reaching for a pen, tugged at her sleeve, making sure the small scar on her wrist was covered. It was the smallest movement, but, as he was definitely not paying any attention to the meeting itself, it caught his eye. After that, he kept thinking about it. Why hadn't he'd noticed it? Why hadn't he fixed it?

* * *

Thinking back on it, the first few hours of Christmas were an actual blur to him. He was exhausted, bruised and sore for one thing. He'd never had to fight without his suits. He didn't like it. The running alone left him completely exhausted. Of course, he realized, he'd guessed he'd better get used to life without suits, as they were all gone now. After the scene had been cleared, and he had taken Pepper to the nearest decent hotel, he felt a level of tired he had never before experienced. His frequent panic attacks had left him so weary. He just wanted to wrap his arms around Pepper and fall into bed and sleep for days. He hadn't slept well in so long - hadn't actually _slept_ in so long. Yet, standing beside her in the hotel suite, he felt an overwhelming guilt and found looking at Pepper - so tired and afraid, only made it worse. Even though Killian was gone, she was still terrified and it was all his fault. The scar on her wrist always brought this feeling back again and again; Pepper had been hurt and terrorized and it was his fault.

It wasn't until well into the next day that he even realized what he'd done. He had destroyed every suit. They were all gone. Every. Single. Suit. He couldn't even get a read on how he felt about it because they were neck deep in their newest project: Don't Let Pepper Blow Up. It was all consuming. He knew that he could get a handle on it, but Extremis was complex, and he was emotionally involved with the test subject. He found his thought process slower than normal - maybe from stress and lack of sleep, but no doubt because his feelings for Pepper got in the way. It was hard for him to think logically about Pepper under normal circumstances, but possibly-exploding-terrified-Pepper filled him with a rage that clouded his judgment.

The first night, he had found her around three in the morning, huddled in the shower, fully clothed, and shivering. The cold water poured over her.

"Pep, what's going on?" He asked gently.

"Stay back." She ordered through shivering lips.

"Honey, it's okay. You aren't going to . . ." He reached out to shut off the water but she became furious.

"No! No! Don't! I don't know how to control it!" She yelled. "I could burn you. I could blow this whole place up!" Her eyes were huge with fear. "Are there other guests? Tony, you've got to clear this hotel!"

"You aren't going to blow anything up." He told her, reaching to turn the water off.

"You don't know that! You can't know that!"

"You haven't blown me up yet, and it's been hours. Pepper, come on. You are freezing."

"Tony, I don't want to hurt anyone." Her blue eyes were huge.

"Pepper, it's going to be okay. I'm going to figure this out, honey. You know, I can figure this out."

Watching Pepper unspooled with terror was too much for him. She was _always_ under control. Here she was, too terrified to sleep and shivering under an icy shower, trying to keep herself and everyone around them safe.

"What if I dream?" She'd asked through lips blue with cold from the icy water. "Tony, I could hurt you." She'd sobbed then, confessing. "I don't know what to do. I just don't want to . . . Tony, what are we going to do?"

He pondered the best way to help her feel safe. The most obvious, he thought initially, was to put her inside a suit -where Jarvis could keep monitoring every system, but then he remembered that all his suits were gone. He recognized then that his only solution was to do the work, and fix what had been done to her.

He turned the water off, grabbed a towel and wrapped her up in it even as she struggled against him. "Honey, it is going to be okay. Look, I'll stay awake and keep an eye on you. You even start to frown in your sleep, and I'll wake you up." He said kissing her brow. "I swear, Pep, I'll get it all fixed. Okay? Just . . ." But he couldn't think of what he could say to really calm her. He was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. It took everything to convince her to climb back into bed but even then she refused to close her eyes, or let him near her. "You have to stay over there," She said, still crying. "Just to be safe." He felt sick about it. He couldn't imagine a time when she would be crying, and he couldn't comfort her. He just wanted to wrap his arms around her. He sat up that whole night, reassuring her as best he could and in the end, neither of them had slept.

It was two long days before he had been able to come up with a plan that he felt comfortable with. His fear over screwing it up kept him checking the math over and over and over. He had no memory of eating, or sleeping during those days. The only thing he could remember was her wide blue eyes staring at him fearfully, and all the simulations that he ran over and over and over. Jarvis would say, "Results are at 92% success." And he responded, "Holy shit! Jarvis, I need better numbers than that!" There was no way he could risk that 8%.

It took three attempts to get most of Extremis removed from her system. Most, because he never quite managed it all - a fact that he was slow to mention to her. He wanted to give her time to feel safe, and rest - she was so very tired by then - they both were. Even after they'd rested he hadn't been quick to explain that no matter what procedures he had orchestrated a minuscule remnant of Extremis remained - would remain in her system forever. What remained _seemed_ that it wouldn't harm her, but rather leave her with a super-powered immune system. Jarvis had told him, "Certainty is at 98.5% that the Extremis remaining in Miss Potts' system will not harm her." He had to accept that this was the best he could do.

All three procedures were painful - no matter how hard he'd tried to make it otherwise and he insisted being in the room to oversee them. She was silent during these procedures, for which she had to be awake. She simply gritted her teeth, closed her eyes and gutted it out. After the very first procedure, she had remained with her eyes closed, until he'd finally reached out to squeeze her shoulder. "Pep? Pep, it's over." Her bright blue eyes were filled with tears, and even then she'd been silent, only nodding her head, and slowly sitting up. Of course, after he had run more tests, he had to face her and tell her that he had failed her, again.

He had been hopeful that the second procedure would be successful, but Jarvis had reported. "I am sorry, sir. Miss Potts still showing high levels of Extremis." He had been standing looking out the window of the hotel suite that was now their temporary home as he listened to this report. Pepper was in the other room, supposedly sleeping, but she hadn't truly slept since the whole horrible nightmare had been kicked off. "Goddamn it!" He yelled and threw the coffee mug in his hand at the glass that separated the dinning area of the suite from the living area. It shattered which sent Pepper running into the room. Her eyes were wide with panic and her skin glowed a yellow-orange. Looking down, seeing her own skin. "It didn't work! Did I hurt you? What happened?" His attempts to calm her, only seemed to intensify her panic. "No! I don't want to hurt you!" She screamed, and he finally had resorted to sedating her - calling in a doctor that Bruce had recommended. Even in sleep, he could hear her whimpers and he collapsed against the wall beside the bed, numb and sick with guilt, shame, and sorrow.

_This is all my fault._ He thought over and over. _She is enduring a nightmare because of my stupid pride._

The next morning when she'd finally awoken he had sat beside her on the bed and said, "Honey, I'm really sorry. I didn't . . . the last procedure didn't fix it completely. But, I ran the math all night, we've figured it out and I'm pretty sure that I've got it right this time. I'm so sorry for scaring you last night. I am so very sorry and I . . ." But he couldn't think of anything else to say. Pepper, for her part, simply nodded her head. Then she said in the softest voice possible, "It's ok."

This was one of the biggest changes that had happened. Pepper had gone quiet. In the whole time, she had said almost nothing. She spent most of her time nearly perfectly still, only moving stiffly when she absolutely necessary, and she rarely spoke. It felt like she was holding her breath, waiting. He knew she was waiting for him to figure it all out. He understood that she trusted him to figure it all out - and she even told him so, more than once. But her silences felt like an accusation. His guilt was overwhelming and he couldn't figure out a way to express to her how very, sorry he was that he had let her down; that he had hurt her. It was his fault she'd plunged to her death. It was his fault that she'd been involved. It was his fault that her home, and all her belongings had been plunged over a cliff. All of it, was his fault.

And so the silences seemed to swallow them up. There were so many things he wanted to say to her - that he knew he _should _say to her, but instead the lived together in silence. He couldn't even bear to look at her face as they struggled to rid Extremis from her system. It hurt too much to see her fight her way through the pain. And what could he possibly say to her after all that she suffered because of his stupid arrogance? It wasn't even until that third procedure that they had actually had a real conversation.

Everything was set up and ready, and she was sitting on the table in the temporary lab he'd had set up. They two doctors that he had entrusted with the procedure were preparing for this last, hopefully, attempt and the two of them were alone in the room. He had basically taken over the entire top floor of the hotel. An army of doctors and nurses waited just down the hall - ready if needed. Pepper had wanted to keep the room as small as possible, even trying to convince him to wait outside - fearful that she would be responsible for all their deaths if things went badly. It crushed him that she had thoughts like this, and even more so because she was right. He felt such a grim despair facing this procedure. He had no optimism anymore. He drew in a long breath, and got ready to try one more time to set things right. Pepper sat silent, her long legs dangling over the side of the table and stared at her feet. He put a hand on her shoulder to gently ease her back, so that they could get this over with once and for all, and go back to the crazy, version of a normal life that they were used to, but she grabbed his wrist and said, "Wait, please. I . . . I . . ." Her voice was breathy and anxious and he could feel his own panic nibbling at the edges of his brain.

He took a slow deep breath himself and said, "It's okay. Take your time."

She looked up at him then, her strawberry-blond hair covering one bright blue eye. "I'm so, so sorry." She said, and he actually stepped back, shocked by this apology.

"What . . .don't . . . why would you . . . " He felt utterly confused. "What are _you_ sorry for?"

"I was such an idiot. I trusted her." He could hear the shame in her voice. "If I had stayed where I was. I was so stupid. I thought I was smarter than her, and that I was helping her. I was so prideful and condescending." She shook her head.

"You . . . you . . ." He fought to control his emotions. "You were only in that situation because of me."

"Tony," She said softly, her eyes meeting his for the first time in what seemed ages. He felt his own eyes fill with tears, and she glanced away briefly, but meeting his eyes again, smiled sadly and said, "This was . . ." Here she sighed. "The worst Christmas ever."

"Agreed." He said huskily. He stepped closer to her, then, finally feeling brave enough to say the things he wanted to say for so long. "And I can't express how very, very sorry I am. I love you, Pepper. I was so stupid. This is . . . all of it . . . is on me. I was so . . ." He paused to kiss her forehead. "You, are everything, and I'm just not . . . I'm gonna make it right. I just . . . I don't know how to . . ."

"Tony," She said gently. "I still shouldn't have gone with her. If you had been there you would have stopped me. Happy _never_ would have let me."

"Happy would've had you locked down in a bunker somewhere." He reached out to squeeze her shoulder. "I'm just . . ."

"I should never have complained about the suits." She told him, brushing the hair back from her face. "It was never really about the suits at all, you know that, right?"

"It was a little bit about the suits." He said with a raised eyebrow.

"A little bit." She admitted and started to reach for his hand, but then drew back immediately, still too fearful to touch him.

"You aren't going to burn me, Pepper." He said taking her hand in his.

"You don't know that." She looked down again. "I want so much to just fall into your arms and feel safe again, but I just can't . . . I don't want to . . ." She sighed again. "I'm not blaming you. This isn't about punishment." She met his eyes again. "I'm just scared, Tony. That's all."

"I'm gonna get it right this time. I swear it." He promised her. "I'm sorry I screwed it up last time." He sighed. "I am so very sorry about everything."

"I know you are. You've apologized more than enough." She smiled sadly at him. "I don't blame you for any of it. It was just . . . horrible and terrifying and I'm still . . . it's hard to move past it, and go back to regular life, you know?"

"I do." He whispered and her eyes grew wide with understanding.

"See, I didn't get that before." She admitted. "I mean, I understood it, but not really. I just wanted you back safe. I didn't think too much about how it must have been for you. I mean, for God's sake, Tony, you planned to die."

"No, it wasn't that." He told her. "I wasn't killing myself. I just didn't . . ."

"You were taking a nuclear bomb through an open hole in space." She interrupted him.

"I didn't know where your plane was." He finished.

"What?"

"I mean, I would like to say it was entirely because I cared about all those other people. And I did, but Pepper, I didn't know how far you were from New York."

"Oh." She said softly studying her hands in her lap. "Tony, you can't . . ." She looked up at him, "You can't spend all your time consumed with worry over what might happen. You can't worry about me all the time. It will drive you crazy."

"Yeah, I can see why it's a bad idea, but in reality, I can't seem to _not_ do exactly that." He sighed. "Ever since New York, everything seems so . . . fragile, and I can't be without you. And I get that I'm making things worse, not better, but . . . I don't know. I'm just having a tough time with it."

"Me, too." She admitted. "I can't think about how much I worry about you . . . And I get it now. I was so happy that you were alive and I didn't think about anything else. Maybe, I didn't want to. I don't know. Tony, but when you came back from New York, everything was so . . .It was easier to blame the suits than really think about anything else. I wasn't fair to you. I screwed up. I should've been a better help to you. I didn't understand about New York and I should have! I've spent so much of my time worry about you - I know how that feels, and yet, I was stupid and demanding . . ."

He wrapped his arms around her then. "No, I should've been less of a jackass, and admitted I needed help. You didn't screw anything up. You have been so patient and understanding. You always are. I'm just, well, I guess it really screwed me up. You know it. On my best day, I'm a mess, and this . . .Aliens, and gods . . . I'm not great at dealing with things I don't understand, you know that. I should have just talked to you. I should've admitted that I wasn't sleeping. I should have talked to you and not just built suit after suit." She relaxed against him and he realized he wanted nothing else other than to keep her close. He was so relieved that she was finally talking again. But closing his eyes, though, he could see her again falling - her eyes wide with shock and anger. He choked on a sob, remembering the anguish of that moment and said, "I'm so sorry I didn't catch you. I should've caught you."

"I should've let go, like you said." She confessed into his shoulder. "I waited too long. It was just . . . I froze up. And I don't know, Tony, it wasn't a simple situation - it wasn't like you didn't try. I knew that you wanted to catch me. Besides, that wasn't your fault. That's on him."

"I should have caught you." He repeated.

"Stop it." She told him, pushing back and looking up into his eyes. "That's on him, not you. I don't even want to waste any of our time talking about him. He . . ." She paused thoughtfully, and added gently, "You're the one who is going to have to let go now. You can't carry around all this guilt. It is going to crush us both. You have to believe me, okay? I don't blame you. Trust me. I'm not angry. I don't blame you. I wasn't even angry then - not at you. I wasn't angry even when I fell. I was just . . ." She struggled to find the right word. "I was just terrified - that's all I remember. I was scared and hated to think you'd have to live with all of it - especially because there is so much we've never said."

"It is still my fault." He repeated. "All of it. I brought it into our house."

"You did." She agreed, softly. "You aren't perfect."

A shame washed over him as she said this and he couldn't look at her.

"But perfect is over-rated. And you would never, ever have done what you did if you knew what would happen. You were upset about New York. You were upset about Happy. And God only knows the last time you actually slept. Tony, it doesn't matter. We are still here, and I'm going to be fine. We are going to be fine."

"I just . . . I wanted you to know how much I . . ."

"I do." She cut him off, sounding more like herself than she had in days. She reached out, laying a gentle hand on the side of his face. "One thing I know for sure is that you love me. I get it."

"Good." He said, trying to ignore the sudden tears that filled his eyes. "Because I'm pretty crappy about saying it."

"Well, giant rabbits notwithstanding," She actually grinned at him. "You get your point across."

"Okay, that was stupid." He sighed. "But to be fair, I've been a little off my game lately and relied on strangers when it came to that stupid present. I can't believe I thought a giant rabbit would fix everything. I am an idiot."

"Sometimes." She agreed with a smile. "And sometimes, I'm the idiot."

He shook his head. "Disagree." He said firmly. "Not you, Miss Potts, except for deciding to throw your lot in with me, your judgement is always impeccable." He sighed, and brushing her hair back behind her ear he drew in a deep breath, "We'll get this goddamn procedure over with," He paused to kiss her forehead, "and get you fixed up, and then we'll sort everything else out. Fair deal?"

"Fair deal." She agreed and then she'd hugged him tightly - the first time she'd done so since the whole stupid thing had happened. And he finally felt like maybe, in spite of everything, they could go home again - even if their home had been dragged over a cliff.

* * *

It was only after the procedure was over, and the two of them were tucked together in bed, at long, long last that he'd realized what she said.

"Wait," He said, sitting up. "You don't hate the suits?"

She'd laughed groggily, exhausted from the final painful adjustments. "Tony, can't we talk about this later?" Then she'd sat up staring at him. "Oh, God, you aren't going to start working on another one RIGHT NOW?"

He had laughed, then. "No!" He leaned forward, kissing her. "Baby, I'm so tired that I can't even . . ." He lay back down, pulling her down with him, so that she settled against his chest. "I can't change who I am, though." He continued. "Suits or no suits."

"That's for damn sure." She agreed. "God knows, I tried."

"No, you didn't. You just don't want me dead." He disagreed. "That's not the same thing, Pepper."

"I guess." She closed her eyes. "And no, I don't hate the suits. I hated that the suits had become everything to you - that's all."

"They aren't everything." He told her. "You are."

"I know that." She kissed his cheek. "And I am ok with you building again. I understand who you are. It wasn't about that. Still, I gotta confess that knowing you can't strap into one of those things and fly off at a moments notice makes me feel less anxious about life."

"We are just going to have to chart a new course." He said sleepily. "One that allows us both to sleep at night."

* * *

He'd been so relieved that he had finally been able to set things right and that she was still there with him, that he hadn't even noticed the small scar on her wrist. It was the only remaining evidence of everything that had happened. It was barely two inches long, and not even an inch wide, but it seemed to taunt him. He couldn't stop thinking about it.

He could see she was self-conscious about it. He'd realized that when she'd tugged on her sleeve during that meeting, and then he noticed that if she was in short sleeves, she'd cover it with her other hand. She would glance at him and then cover it up. Finally one day, he'd pushed her hand aside, tracing it with his finger. "I could laser it off." He offered.

"No." She shook her head, pushing his hand away. "You aren't an actual doctor, you know."

He bought her a beautiful jade bracelet, and she'd squealed with delight when she'd opened the box, but she had put it on her other wrist.

"What do you think?" She asked, holding her wrist out to him.

"It's beautiful, but, honey, I thought you'd want to wear it on your other wrist." He indicated the small mark on her arm.

"No." She shook her head, surprised by him. She'd kissed his cheek. "Thank you." She told him, offering no explanation.

It really bothered him. He'd seen the way she covered it with her hand, or her sleeve, and he knew it must remind her of pain and terror. By that time, he was knee deep in research, trying to determine a path forward to removing the arc reactor from his chest. It consumed most of his thoughts, but every now and again, he would think of that scar on her wrist.

He had crawled into bed late one night, wrapping himself around her. "New suit?" She murmured sleepily.

"No. Something else." He kissed her cheek. He hadn't told her yet about his plans to remove the arc reactor. He wanted to be sure it could be done. He wanted to be able to tell her honestly that he knew it was safe. "I'll tell you about it soon."

"'M'kay." She responded drowsily, pulling his arm over her body, and snuggling down into his arms.

He ran a hand up and down her arm, and feeling the scar finally asked, "Why don't you want this fixed?"

"What?" She asked. "Tony, it's late."

"I know but I don't understand. I know it bothers you."

She turned to face him then, and seeing his face, sighed and sat up, clicking on the bedside lamp.

"No, it doesn't." She told him. "It bothers _you_."

"What? No, I've seen you. You keep covering it with your hand."

"'Because you keep looking at it." She pointed out.

"Wait, what?" He asked, sitting up and facing her.

"You keep staring at it." She turned her wrist showing it to him.

"I thought . . .I thought it bothered you." He felt utterly confused.

"I'm proud of it." She told him. "I earned it. It is mine, and it reminds me."

"Reminds you of how I failed you and . . ." He asked.

"Tony, not everything is about you." She laughed.

"But you only have it because of the whole mess that I . . ."

"Tony, seriously, that's not what it makes me think about. I never think that way." She sighed, and reaching out ran her soft fingers through his hair.

"But then, what?" He asked. "What does it remind you?"

"It reminds me that I can be tough, too." She blushed shyly, and his eyes grew wide with surprise and confusion.

"Well, I . . ." He found himself at a loss for words.

"See, you can't always tell what I'm thinking." She grinned at him. "Even if you are the smartest man who ever lived."

"I'm starting to think I might be the dumbest . . . I . . . I completely misread that whole . . . it _doesn't_ bother you?"

She laughed, leaning forward and kissing him. "Nope. Not even a little bit." She turned to click the lamp back off and settled back under the covers, but he sat where he was stunned that he had been so wrong.

"Tony?" She finally said to him.

"What?" He turned to look down at her. She was smiling up at him, with one hand outstretched toward him.

"You misread things quite a bit." She winked at him, and his eyes grew wide as understanding dawned. He took her fingers, pausing to kiss the light scar on her wrist before sinking down into the comforting perfection of her arms.


End file.
